It's cold, but not too cold

It's 8:30 am on a Saturday here in that place.  Wife is asleep back at the hotel, so are the dogs.  By myself right now.  I am currently mourning that time which I once begged to leave me.  Now that it has, I beg for its return.  *mourning* 

Still awake

Thanksgiving is tomorrow.  It is by far my favorite holiday.  This time a year ago things were so much different.  I have now mourned the loss of three unborn children and I have to say this: it really makes you plead to God for a reason to assume life has a purpose when you can't even produce it like you're supposed to.  You truly find yourself in a place on your own, which no one else understands unless they are you, no matter how much they try to.  I dunno...this is just random.  It's just that tomorrow was going to be the rockingest Thanksgiving ever because we were going to break the news to everybody.  Not anymore.  And to top it off, you get to put on the thankful face for every other fertile friend saying they get to add to their lives while you just chipped away at a little more of yours. 
The thought of not having anyone to bury you one day is really messing my head up.
Other thoughts: you are on my mind more than you will ever know.  You are loved.

We are all phoneys.

Hope you are well in the world.  I think of you often.

It took me twelve years to learn how to say this...

What, in the name of all things sacred...WHAT did I do wrong that I wound up doing THIS (my job) with my life?  May God have mercy on my soul.

Tired

I am so tired.

Untitled

The worst thing in the world is when precious friends just fall by the wayside over issues which should have never been issues to begin with.  I think most people in their older age will agree that good friends are difficult to come by later in life.  Time is not something easily repeated.  There are people I know things will never be the same with again, and I am sorry for all of it.  It is a torment I walk with daily and my only wish is that they do not carry a torment of similar magnitude.  As of recent, there are some individuals whom I cherish deeply that I have wrecked things beyond repair with.  I regret they could not have met me at a different time in life when I was not such an odd fellow.  If you are one of those who immediately think, "oh I would never done it differently...," you should seriously get yourself checked out because you are broken in the head.

To you, for whom I have made it strange, unpleasant, painful, awkward, or just confusing, I am sorry.  You  were always a lovely pleasure to me.